Back to School Encouragement

Going back to school brings with it a mixed bag of feelings for both parents and children: excitement, dread, relief, fear, and hopeful anticipation.  This is true whether it’s back to grade school, high school, or college.

How can parents help their children re-enter school, smoothly, constructively?

Extremes are always bad.  So, first, be neither a hovering parent nor an abandoning one.

College age parents can be as bad as parents of kindergarteners and first graders.

So, don’t be a “helicopter parent,” hovering over your precious loved one as if s/he can’t breathe without your help.  Give them space.  Yes, even the little kindergartener may need some space, even while clinging to you with tears crying out “I don’t want to go!”

Certainly we are not talking about abandoning the child.  Yes, your “presence” is needed and wanted.  Yes, you need to “be there” for them.  But remember to maintain appropriate limits for yourself with a healthy attitude of “letting go.”  You’re there to release them not to cling to them or have them cling to you.  So, “being there” does not mean doing everything for them, or taking control when they should be taking charge for themselves.  “Being there,” means giving encouragement, guiding, advising, and reassuring, not taking-over.

You are the parent.  Your child should not have to reassure you.  Be a non-anxious presence.  As the adult, you are to provide calm and steady confidence, where your child may have little.  The child needs to look to you for reassurance that all will be well, not the other way around.

Place confidence in your child.  Do not scold or harangue the child for lack of confidence or for being nervous and fearful.  If your child lacks confidence, reassure him/her with your own confidence in him/her.  Also remind the child that s/he not only has your support, but that of the school’s staff, teachers and administrators, as well.  Help your child see the people in these roles as caring and supportive people whom they need not fear and need not view as “the enemy.”  They are there to help.  (And do verify ahead of time that this is exactly the attitude that the school has toward the children.)

Listen!  Listen to your child’s comments.  Observe!  Body language says a lot.  Ask and even probe a little, but do not force your child to confide in you.  Respect your child’s growing boundaries.  As much as you’d like to think so, your child is NOT an extension of yourself.  Your child is a separate and distinct human being who will someday grow to become a full adult in his/her own right.  Respect your children by really listening to them.  Let them tell you what their concerns are rather than you always telling them what you think that they ought to be worried about.  Good communication is always a two way street—even with (especially with) children.

And finally, be a lifetime learner yourself.  If you want your child to do well in school, you also need to become a model student.  Appreciate an open and inquisitive mind, and develop one yourself.  Allow your children to question, wonder, doubt, ask, and discover.  If your child asks you a question for which you do not have an answer, admit as much.  Then, join your child in search for an answer.  There is no shame in not knowing.  However, there IS much shame in being exposed as a Great Pretender, trying to hide your ignorance or worse, acting as if you know when you really don’t.

Learn to learn, along with your child.  In your own heart, remain as child in the realm of discovery and imagination.  Your child will be inspired by your own thrill of seeking and learning.  Show them that exploration and discovery offers a lifetime of excitement and can be richly fulfilling.