I’ve performed more than a few weddings over the years as a pastor, and not all those that I have wedded have stayed together. And I’m not in the least surprised.
Please note: I neither take credit for the marriages that have thrived nor do I accept blame for the marriages that have failed, of those I have wedded. You see, an eager couple ready to be married rarely listens to a pastor’s advice anyway. At such a time the couple is not interested in pastoral advice, and usually assumes that premarital-counseling is really unnecessary. Love is blind, as the cliché goes, and so there is a kind of willful ignorance to any warning signs or danger signals that their marriage may be doomed from the start. After all, love is sufficient, isn’t it?
So, what a couple really wants from the pastor is a skillful articulate officiator who will perform the wedding ceremony with expertise and finesse so that it has grace and style—at least that’s what the bride wants. The groom, he simply wants efficiency so that he can get through it quickly enough and with the least amount of effort.
So what are some signs that a marriage is doomed to failure? Two words sum it up: disrespect and dishonesty. Both of these characteristics play-out very subtly, are rarely detected upfront, and are not usually consciously known, let alone owned and admitted to, by the perpetrator.
Take disrespect. Here’s an example: Sometimes a bride will be warned, “You know that your fiancée is known for being a… (Insert a bad character-trait here)?” And her response goes something like this: “I know. But I’m going to change that. I’ll change him.” She is obviously assuming that she has the power to change the man. She is wrong. She doesn’t. And, she’ll find out the hard way. Ironically what’s at the bottom of her assumption is disrespect for his person—believing that she can, should, and does have the power to change who he is. Only he can change who he is; it must come from the inside out, not forced from the outside in. Hence, if either bride or groom goes into a marriage with this kind of attitude toward the other, it is a sure bet that their marriage won’t last.
The same is true when a groom believes he has the right to dominate and control his wife, as in “I expect her to be a submissive and obedient wife!” This attitude is rarely stated so blatantly and openly, but the tell-tail signals are there from the get-go. This too is a matter of disrespect, because no one has the right to control anyone—not even within a marriage, or especially within a marriage; not even the so-called “man of the house.” Yet, there are many grooms who harbor exactly that kind of attitude over their brides: “Once we’re married, you will do what I say.” This marriage is also heading for failure.
Now take dishonesty. Of course, a couple need not tell each other’s most hidden and deepest of their life’s secrets in order to have a successful marriage—especially if such a secret is something of the past that has been adequately addressed and dealt with. In that case, the past is the past and it is water under the bridge. Leave it be. However, present issues and realities in one’s life that one hides from one’s fiancée; that’s a different story altogether! If bride or groom is fearful of how the other might react to knowing the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, about him or her self, then the relationship is already unstable to begin with. The marriage is sure to fail because the truth/secret will inevitably be discovered and known. For, to hide vital or crucial information that may have major consequences to the relationship is no different than telling an outright lie.
Then there is also dishonesty of intention. Example: A bride may be a devout follower of her faith. The groom knows this. While dating, the man seems to embrace her faith, to accept, believe, and practice it as she does. He knows he wouldn’t get very far with her otherwise. So, he plays along. He tries. He goes to church with her and makes an effort at showing good faith, conforming to her religious practices—until they are married! Then it stops. Sometimes it is a sudden and abrupt stop, surprising everyone. But most of the time it is a slow and steady exit, a missed service here, a lack of interest there, and finally a total lack of participation in anything to do with the faith and its practices. Thus, in terms of religious faith, he is right back where he may have been when the couple first met—unbelieving and uninterested in the things of faith or religion—passive resistant at best, aggressively offensive at worse. The marriage is heading for hard times.
Dishonesty and disrespect plays out in many different forms and runs down various avenues. This can especially be true in the way a couple deals with the question of money and finances. Finances and household management are foundational to a couple’s stable home life. Who is to control money-spending decisions and manage the budget? How is the use and handling of money to be accounted for?
Another area where dishonesty and disrespect may play itself out cruelly is in the couple’s hidden assumptions and expectations as to how children are to be raised and treated. What is the role and status of children in a household (e.g., are children to be “seen and not heard” or are they to play the central role in family focus at all times)? How shall the children be disciplined? Who serves whom (parent or child) when pursuing competing goals and dreams as to family resources, time and profession, career and calling, and personal growth?
There are other issues that need fleshing out and common understanding. The question of finances and children are the most obvious and critical. And so the real issue is whether or not a couple respects each other well enough to be able to address these issues openly, honestly, and straightforwardly from the start and are able to have fruitful and productive discussion on these topics without a fall out. Nevertheless, better to have a “fall-out” before marriage than after.
Generally speaking, we’ve been at a kind of 50/50 ratio. This is not exact but its close to it. That is to say that roughly only half of all marriages actually last a lifetime. We could do better than that. We want to do better than that. Some decide to put-off marriage, live together first and than marry later in life, as if that will guarantee a lasting marriage. It doesn’t. What does make a difference is real honesty, healthy self-knowledge, and true mutual respect.
For those of you, who are tying the knot this wedding season of 2015, I pray that you truly enjoy your wedding day and that your marriage will be a truly happy one.
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