You have a problem.
It’s not a “thing” problem. It’s a “person” problem, a relational problem.
Now what? What to do? What to say? Where to go from here?
Things, machines, and processes, these can easily be fixed by following step-by-step directions. Nuts and bolts, hammers and screwdrivers, that is, the proper tools and the right parts are all one needs, to fix mechanical problems. It’s not the same with people problems. Would that people were as fixable as machines are. Alas, we’re not.
Good communication is foundational to repairing people problems. The problem has to be discussed. But that’s where things can also go badly, and fast.
“We have to talk.”
“I don’t want to hear it!”
Talking can create more misunderstanding.
“Did you just say what I thought you said?! How dare you say that to me!”
And it goes downhill from there. After all, people are people.
Good communication doesn’t just happen. It takes work. It’s a developed skill just like anything else. We tend to assume that just because we’re talking we’re communicating. As if the more talking we do, the better we’re communicating. Sadly that’s not the case. Quality communication is a learned skill that few of us learn well. Thankfully it is also a skill that most anyone can learn to do better and improve upon over time.
What are some common mistakes we make when communicating, especially when a relationship is deteriorating?
(1) When we are angered or frustrated by a person’s actions or words, we tend to immediately leap to judgment and/or condemnation of the person’s character and personhood rather than staying focused on describing the action or words that were committed so as to explain why it is that, said action or words, bother us. In short we go into attack mode and the other person immediately goes into defensive and protective mode. An open, trusting, and engaging spirit of communication is lost. The possibility of having ongoing, good and productive communication never gets off the ground.
(2) We often fail to take personal ownership and personal responsibility in a deteriorating relational dynamic. People problems are usually a two way street. There is action and reaction, response and counter response. Yet, we humans tend to avoid taking personal ownership of our own misbehavior or mean words or bad attitude or stubborn willfulness within the relationship. We deny, deny, and deny yet again. This denial is exasperating to those who see through us all too clearly and know all too well that we are simply kidding ourselves or are outright deceiving ourselves, let alone lying to everyone else, when we refuse to own our part in the deteriorating dynamic.
(3) We tend to take a superior posture or try to get the advantage over the other, rather than relate as co-equals (as fellow human beings) giving mutual respect. That is, aside from hierarchical social structures, a person’s dignity and honor is sacrosanct regardless of position, role, or office. An individual knows when he/she is being disrespected as a person and his/her human dignity is being trashed. Whatever a person’s role or position is, in the social structure, the other person’s dignity and self-respect as a fellow human being should be maintained and honored.
(4) And then there is the question of power and authority and its potential for abuse. We want our own way. And we’ll often become manipulative or resort to the use of direct power and control to get what we want out of a relationship. Instead of signaling a spirit of invitation toward mutual cooperation, thus allowing the other person to have a sense of real personal choice, and the dignity that comes with having the freedom to make that choice, we demand and command. We talk to the other, rather than speak with the other. And then we wonder why we face so much resistance with little cooperation.
(5) A common element in many problematic relationships is the failure to be in touch with one’s own inner dynamics. Men especially may have the problem of not understanding their own deeper feelings, why they’re reacting the way they are. He may be clearly mad. Anger is one emotion that men feel most free to own and express. But the source of his anger may belong to deeper more mysterious feelings, such as feelings of guilt or remorse or hurt pride or shame and embarrassment, or whatever, with which he is completely out of touch. Both men and women need to be in touch with the inner-self, the true self, in order to fully understand the source and causes of emotional outbursts or reactive defenses within a souring relational dynamic.
Good communication nurtures good relationships and good communication begins with one’s own self-awareness and personal development. We must be present, we must be real, we must be in-touch, we must be true, we must be respectful, and we must be receptive, inviting, willing, and authentic. In short, all the old fashioned values and principles of personal development that ancient sages teach us in their spiritual disciplines, for example, are as necessary today as they were hundreds of generations ago. When it comes to the requirements of human development, there is nothing new under the sun.
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