Yesterday we celebrated Father’s Day. Have you ever noticed how Father’s Day just doesn’t get quite the same attention that Mother’s Day does? I’m not complaining, I’m just saying.
Also, have you noticed that when the camera pans an audience, such as in an arena, at a game, for example, young people often hold up “Hi Mom” signs to the camera; seldom do you ever see a “Hi Dad” or “Hi Mom and Dad” sign. It’s always “Hi MOM!” I’m not jealous, I’m just saying.
Have you noticed that when college aged children call home, they always ask for mom first, and end the conversation with, “Say hi to dad for me” then hang up? I’m not envious, I’m just saying.
And have you ever noticed that while Mom always seems to know what’s going on with the kids, dad is clueless, always the last to know. I’m not criticizing, I’m just saying.
While much of the above may be more or less true, the “I’m not…, I’m just saying” part, is said with tongue-in-cheek. Nevertheless, fathers do have a bad image in our society. I know more men who readily admit that while growing up they have had a bad or poor relationship with their father than I know men who are able to say that they have had a great and positive relationship with their father. Many will say that their father was either not there at all or, if there, was inattentive, disengaged and tuned-out, or worse, cruel and abusive, so much so that the kids preferred the father’s absence to his presence. What is it about men and fatherhood?
I recently had a man-to-man talk with my adult son. He’s out of college. After graduation he had actually moved out of the house to his own apartment for a year. However, he’s now back at home living with us, his parents. For his generation, this is nothing out of the ordinary, considering our nation’s present economic reality. In that sense, he’s a statistic.
Of course, as his father, I initiated the conversation. What was the topic? It was his use of time, his management of money, and his future? As a good father, I was holding him accountable, and wanted to make sure that he was and is being responsible. This is what fathers do—especially with their adult sons who are still living at home. (In case you’re wondering, yes, he does have a job.)
For the record, the conversation went very well. Indeed, I think it even brought our relationship to a higher level. Which, I must say, is surprising to me, considering the fact that we (I especially) realized that the conversation revealed the fact that we two men, father and son, approach life with two very different sets of perspectives in terms of a Life Value system, respecting goals, practices, and norms. I should also quickly add that foundationally, he embraces faith in Christ as I do; though even in this, he expresses and practices his faith differently than I do.
Here’s the point. I heard him. I listened. And I understood. I may not fully agree with what he had to say about his approach to life, regarding questions about his future, his calling or career, his lifestyle choices, etc. but I did hear him out and I gave him the respect he deserved. Meaning, it’s his life, so I acknowledged that he has the right to choose for himself, how he’s going to live and what he does with the life that is given to him. And he realizes that he must live with the consequences of his own choices. He also understands that he can’t use or take advantage of his parents. He knows and understands this.
I believe the conversation went well because I did not (A) try to control him by making ultimatums or threats or demand that he answer to me for every last little thing in his life. Nor did I (B) speak down to him as if he were still a child. I respected his age and adulthood status, young as he still is—it’s amazing, when you’re in your late fifties as I am, how much a twenty-something year-old still seems quite young and in need of a lot of maturing. Finally, neither did I (C) demand or command that he buy into my value system and perspective on life so as to have him conform to my way of doing things.
I used descriptive language rather than directive language. I did not direct him, as in give him orders, about how to manage his life. I did however offer him my observational critique on what I saw. I simply said, this is what I see and this is what I think you could do to accomplish what you want. The end result was that the responsibility stayed with him, to accept or reject my observations or counsel.
In short, I managed to communicate without alienating. He neither felt coerced, belittled, disrespected, nor manhandled. I on the other hand felt confident that my perspective/advice was well taken. Whether or not he does anything with it is a separate question, but at least I know that he heard me. And, I believe that I also heard him.
In the end we agreed that our relationship is what is most important in this whole process. Is it open; that is, are we communicating? Do we respect each other? Do we have a good, positive and growing relationship as father and son? In the end, we thought that we did. And for me that says a lot about the prospects for his future.
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