Electronic Device Social Etiquette is Long Overdue

What I am about to say is going to make me sound like an old geezer, I know, but I am going to say it anyway.  I don’t care.  It needs to be said: We need to bring back some good ole fashioned etiquette and respect, especially with regard to the way we use our electronic gadgets and smart phones.

There!  I said it.  Okay, go ahead.  Picture me as a very old man, leaning heavily forward on a cane, frail and unsteady on his legs, with a raspy squeaky old voice crying out, “Youngsters these days; they have no respect for their elders!”  That’s me, I suppose, because I want respect.

Don’t you?  Be honest now.  I know you do.  The truth is: Whether you’re ten years or a hundred and ten years old, we all want respect.  And respect and simple common decency has a lot to say about the way we use our hi-tech phones and gadgets.  Yes it does.

To begin with, respect means being “present” when you are with another person.  And that means being “engaged,” paying attention, listening = “being there.”  Are you with me?  And, in certain contexts, that means giving someone your undivided attention.  Or, when driving, for example, it means giving the other driver your undivided attention while behind the wheel so that you do not cause an accident, running into his/her rear end!  But the way we presently use our smart-phones is deplorable.  We are rude, impolite, inconsiderate, and consequentially becoming downright nasty to everyone around us while on our cell phones.

For example: let’s say that I am having a serious conversation with someone (at the office, in a café, in a hotel lobby, at the water cooler, or wherever).  I am about to make what I think is a very important point and I want my comment to be heard, understood, and well received.  But just as I am making my critical point my listener’s cell phone rings.  INTERRUPTION!  “Hold that thought,” Says my listener, as he answers his phone, “Hello.  Oh, hi, no, no bother, what’s up?  Sure, yah, ah-ha, yep, no, okay, yes, of course, well I think….”  And so it goes and I wait.

End of conversation.  I’ve not only been rudely and inconsiderately interrupted, I’ve been replaced in mid-sentence, put in the back-of-the-line for my listener’s attention until further notice.  The immediacy of my personal and real physical “presence” meant nothing.  And, as to what I was saying and the impact or significance I wanted it to have on my listener, what happened to that?  Lost!  It was lost in the shuffle of answering the cell-phone and the moving-on of time and space.  I might as well have gone into the nearest office-cubicle and called my friend from there to make my point, probably would have had better luck in getting heard.  Personal, physical presence, one-on-one conversations are not what they use to be anymore, not with smart-phones in earshot of our listener’s.

Another example: imagine me at a board meeting, a committee meeting, or a “meeting-meeting” (you know, one of those serious “please hold what is said here in complete confidentiality” meetings).  Such meetings rightly assume not only your physical presence but your mental, emotional, and yes, even your spiritual presence, your undivided attention.  But, guess what?  People are surfing the web, checking their email, texting a message, and answering their vibrating cell phones while at these significant, “I assume that I have your undivided attention” meetings.  Is this not rude, inconsiderate, and disrespectful of my time, your time, our time together?  What must I do to have you present, really there, with me at such meetings?

Real story: I was at a funeral.  Indeed, I was the clergy officiating the funeral, being as I am a pastor.  The place was packed.  The room was barely large enough to accommodate the people.  Thus, once you were in a seat it was best to stay there.  The preliminaries were over.  We were now in the more focused and serious part of the funeral service.  Then a “gentleman’s” phone rang.  Three loud rings by the time he answered it.  Yes, he actually answered it, aloud, while still in his seat.  Is this not disrespectful, or is it just me?  He was deep in the middle, smack dead-center of the seated crowd.  Not only did he answer it, he got up, edged his way out of the isle, talking all the while as he exited.  We all waited patiently in silence as we heard and watched him rise from his seat, slither his way down the row, walk down the aisle and exit the funeral parlor, talking.

It was a funeral service!  Did he HAVE to answer that phone?  My guess is that he didn’t.  A few minutes later, while I was speaking, he came back into the room, crept his way back into his seat and supposedly tuned back into our place and time. Or was he present only in body but absent in spirit?  Who knows?

Oblivious to the social circumstances, un-thoughtful, inconsiderate, selfish, and crude behavior seems to be the order of the day when it comes to cell phone usage.  Why is this?  (By the way, yes, I myself do own and use a smart phone).

Let’s recover some proper respect and etiquette.

At the cinema we are reminded not to add our own sound-effects to the movie: “Please turn off your cell-phones,” the message says on the screen.  Certain meetings and personal one-on-one conversations require the same considerate attention.  Do they not?  Turn off or don’t answer your cell phone when you know you are at such a meeting, before you are interrupted.  Learn to have presence, be present, with others.  Tune-in, listen carefully, and be fully engaged with those whom you are physically with.

Unless you know it’s an emergency, put the cell-phone caller second in line, have the caller wait his/her turn.  The person, with whom you are physically present, should come first in order of attention.  Thus, answer the phone only after you have disengaged from your meeting or conversation with the person(s) you are with.

Okay, I know.  In some group gatherings (like a group of youth hanging out in a friend’s basement, e.g.) this kind of etiquette does not fit.  So, of course we are to use common sense.  But, the principle of conducting one’s self properly, with respect to interpersonal relationships, still stands.  Obviously one should accommodate one’s behavior to fit the appropriate circumstance.

And what about driving?  It’s so obvious.  Don’t be an arrogant driver who thinks you can TEXT while driving and never get into an accident.  Respectful, considerate driving means giving full attention to the traffic and watching out for the other driver.  It may mean the difference between life and death, your life, the other driver’s life, or even a child’s life.  Don’t be distracted.  Please don’t TEXT while driving.  It’s the height of presumption and disrespect for others, risking real lives by doing so.

Bottom line: proper cell phone etiquette is not about a bunch of rules, “do’s and don’ts.”  It’s about respect and consideration for our relationships with other people in real present time.  It’s about developing good interpersonal relational skills: “being there,” listening, and giving proper attention to.  I want respect.  So do you.  Be there and be present.  Let’s not allow these ubiquitous smart phones to get in the way of good simple, healthy and sound, mutually respectful, personal one-on-one communication.