Relationships We'd Rather NOT Have.

If “Location, location, location” is the mantra for the Real Estate business, then “Communicate, communicate, communicate” should be that of Relationships.  Relationships are fundamental to our human existence.  Therefore, so is our need to communicate.  But is this also true for negative relationships, relationships that have harmed us?

We readily acknowledge our relationship with family, friends and loved ones.  But how many of us are aware that we also have a relational connection with our rivals, offenders, and enemies?  These are inverted, negative relationships, which we are usually unwilling to acknowledge for they are hurtful and may have done us serious harm.  And yet, ironically, by failing to acknowledge them, we can actually prevent ourselves from moving beyond them.

For example, the minute an offense is made against an unsuspecting victim a direct and immediate relational connection is made between that victim and his/her offender.  This is a painful and agonizing truth for the victim, but it’s real nonetheless.  The irony is that as long as the victim refuses to see or acknowledge that such a “relationship” exists, the more difficult it is for the victim to find the ability to overcome the emotional and psychological damage done and move beyond its consequence toward real healing.  The offender becomes a kind of haunting ghost-presence.  Likewise, as long as the offender refuses to acknowledge that she/he has “connected” with the victim, by the fact of the crime perpetrated against her, and therefore owes that victim a personal obligation to “make things right,” the offender distances himself from being able to find ease, peace, or release and redemption from her guilt, like one unable to wash his hands of blood stains.  (Note: I use “him” and “her” interchangeably to denote either/or: he or she, him or her.)

Seeing true remorse and repentance, including full ownership and acknowledgement of one’s culpability on the part of an offender, is a cornerstone in the ability to experiencing a real sense of justice for a victim; ideally the offender will own and admit guilt to the very person(s) that have been harmed by the offense, coupled with a willingness to do what one can to correct and make good for the damage done.  Such a dynamic presumes the recognition that a kind of inverted relationship now exists between victim and offender.  It also assumes open, purposeful and intentional communication between victim and offender with the purpose of transforming what was a harmful and negative relational dynamic into a neutral (if not positive) one.  But of course, that’s ideally speaking, and, last I’ve looked, we do not live in an ideal world.  So, how does this work in the real world?

Principles don’t change by the circumstance or context; they just need to be applied appropriately to fit the actual conditions.  In the case of victim/offender dynamics, the principle of relational communication and the need for ownership and acknowledgement, as well as for remorse, and the willingness to makes things right on the part of the offender does not change, even in this less than ideal world.  Thus, the Restorative Justice Process continues to invite the offender to do these things (regardless of whether or not the offender is actually able to do so directly to his/her victim).

In an actual and real appropriate manner, an offender should be able and willing to do the following:

  Take responsibility by owning up (“manning up” as many male inmates would say) and communicate this as clearly as possible to any and all appropriate “stakeholders.”

  Humanize their victim by visualizing them as actual people with real and similar desires, heartaches, wants, and needs.

  Identify and name the consequences to their victim(s) of the harm that they have done.  Consider the many possible needs that arise from the harm that has been done and find direct or indirect ways to address these needs as much as is possible within their own circle of influence.

  Value the victim has having priority over the offender when considering needs and consequences.

Thus, Restorative Justice (RJ) is not “offender friendly” at the expense of the victim.  Far from it!  But it does recognize that there is a “relational dynamic” between victims and their offenders and seeks to at least neutralize the powerful negative impact of that inverted “relationship.”  In that light, RJ would ask victims to avoid totally demonizing offenders, to see them as human with the potential for actual change and correction and not simply dismiss him/her as an “animal” or a “monster.”  Proper, structured, and intentional communication can be part of the healing process for the victim and can lead to constructive and corrective responsiveness on the part of the offender so that he/she can begin to “make things right.”