I grew up with parents from the old school regarding the way children are to be brought up. Summed up by the phrase, “Children are to be seen and not heard.”
In the old school, children were taught to respect and obey ALL adults without question. They were told to say, “Yes Sir or no Mam,” when answering an adult speaking to them. They were taught to patiently wait their turn to speak and not to barge in and rudely interrupt parents while mom or dad were having a conversation with other adults, and to politely say, “Excuse me” or “Pardon me” if they felt that it was urgent enough to interrupt. They were taught to sit still and be quiet in public settings and to keep their hands to themselves and not touch things that didn’t belong to them. They were instructed to get up and let an elderly woman (or man) have his or her seat in a bus or train or in a waiting room. They were taught respect for their elders.
It seems different today, children now command the day. They are allowed to interrupt whenever they want and believe they have the right to demand attention. Children are now given priority in terms of service and needs before anyone else. Children now feel free to dismiss adults in general, other than their own parents, and freely ignore any corrective word or admonition that another adult may wish to offer them (sometimes even dismissing their own parent’s admonitions out of hand, without consequence).
As societies go, we humans tend to swing the pendulum back and forth, react and overreact. Instead of keeping what is good and making appropriate adjustments along the way, we jump to the other extreme for correction. So, in previous generations, adults ruled children. As such children were often treated as mere objects, as playthings or little servants, often used, abused, or controlled by unkind and domineering insensitive adults. Today it seems the opposite is true: children rule the roost. Children are to be seen AND heard and adults must cater to their every whim and fancy, and be given priority over anything else adults may be doing.
As an adult looking back to my childhood upbringing, I could say that there were many things that needed corrective adjustment in the way I was treated as a child. I could argue that I was not fully respected as a person, because I was a child. I could point out how many adults in a position of power and authority over me were in fact unkind, insensitive, mean spirited, selfish and/or even abusive toward me and/or other children, in the use of their adult position of power and authority. Such abuse, and/or insensitivity toward children, does call for corrective action. Thus, for example, children should not blindly obey all adults just because they’re adults. Yet, neither should children learn to ignore any and all adults who would dare admonish them, just because they are not part of the nuclear family system. (Indeed, this is not always an easy balance to practice.)
So, I’m not saying that we should go back to the “good ole days” where children are to be seen and not heard. Indeed, there really is no such thing as the so-called “good ole days.” For, every generation has its problems, shortcomings and ailments. Nevertheless, each generation does need to keep aiming for balance and systemic health, especially with respect to intergenerational relationships.
A key word is respect. For example, adults and children are to be treated with respect in accordance with their age, place, and role. Adults and children are to be mindful of their respective boundaries, for example. Each is to respect the other’s personal dignity. Adults should not talk down to, shame or belittle a child. Children are to honor and esteem adults and accept the fact that, generally speaking, adults are more knowledgeable and experienced in life, and are therefore wiser and should thus be heeded and/or listened to.
However, adults must learn to listen to children as much as children are expected to listen to adults. Children also have thoughts, feelings, ideas and perspectives, including personal interests and curiosities. Adults must learn to respect this in children. That is, children are little persons too (not just cute little play things for adults to bemuse themselves with), and so they too want and need trustworthy guidance, support, and influence for their growing personalities.
Adults must also learn to “play by the rules,” and follow the same guidelines and principles that they presume to be teaching their children: This authoritarian idea of saying to a child, “Do as I say and not as I do; or else!” just doesn’t cut it these days. Such authoritarian posturing is an offense to a child, and always has been. Likewise, adults must not unfairly manipulate or unjustly control children either. Rather, adults are to empower and encourage a child’s individual growth toward accepting personal responsibility and receiving the personal empowerment that comes with it.
To empower a child one must not only respect a child’s personhood but do so by being honest and true to the child at all times. No deceiving or telling little white lies to cover up hard truths. Recently my granddaughter, a week before turning the ripe old age of three, noticed by the tone in my voice that I was irritated. So, she asked me directly, “Pop-Pop, are you mad?” Her direct and straightforward question to me caused me to pause and reflect a bit—as to how I was emotionally handling myself (I wasn’t being calm, cool, and collected as I probably should have been). “Yes,” I said. I was honest and answered her question simply and directly. That was the healthy honest and most empowering thing for me to do for her at that moment; for, given the context and situation, she instinctively knew that my irritation was more about me than it was about her. I simply had to own it. My honest answer validated her sensitivity and observational skills.
Likewise, children must learn to accept the reality of social hierarchy. The elderly are to be deferred to and, in general, adults are to be given a type of respect that children will earn as they mature. So, for example, parents get to sit at the “head of the table.” Mother may have her favorite seat that all the children are expected to give up when she walks into the room. Or, the eldest child may get to stay up and stay out later than the younger children do. The elderly may sit when they wish even though everyone else is expected to stand. A two year old child may be given leniency while a seven year old will be held to a stricter standard of behavior. In short, justness or fairness does not mean everyone and all ages are treated exactly the same.
In a final note, we need to realize that we’re in this together. That is, it takes social and communal cohesiveness to properly instill in our children the kind of wisdom and respect and self-confidence and maturity and responsibility that we want our children to have and to apply in their lives. All these things are best taught and caught in a social/communal environment that extends beyond the immediate nuclear family. That is, a whole community has to play its role in raising healthy children. It begins with one’s nuclear family, and then extends into the church family (or religious community), and then beyond that. In short, we must not only be concerned for our own children, but for all children.
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