We’ve all heard about “Tough Love,” but why does love have to get tough, what is it?
All healthy relationships require two things: (1) boundaries or limitations, that is, a certain amount of respect for imposed rules and authority, and the acceptance of the external discipline and control that comes with it, out of respect for the other—Law. And, (2) freedom to BE, independence from external control or excessive rules and regulations and overreaching power and authority over one’s self, so as to become internally whole, personally assertive, and individually complete, out of respect for one’s self—Love.
The two relational dynamics, Law and Love, are interconnected. One cannot have a healthy sense of freedom from the other, to assert one’s individual and independent Self, without an adequate acceptance of boundaries and limitations from others. Nor can one freely and healthily respect and submit to a set of external rules and its concomitant authority, without having the freedom to assert one’s individuality and the personal responsibility that comes with it.
These two interconnecting principles, what I’m calling the Law of love and the Rule of Law, seem to be at odds with each other. How so?
The Law of Love persistently seems to say, forgive and forget, whatever the wrong, hurt, or damage done, give the Loved One a second, third, fourth chance, ad-infinitum. This is often demonstrated in a mother’s love. The only one willing to protect and defend an apparently incorrigible criminal is his/her mother, pleading and begging society to be lenient, to have mercy, to consider extenuating circumstances, etc. A loving mother will ignore the immensity of her child’s crime and turn a willful blindness to the deep and penetrating hurt and offense her criminal child has caused to others. Love forgives all and excuses everything, even the worst offenses, basically wants to sidestep the Law.
On the other hand, the Rule of Law is cold, precise, deliberate and unrelenting. It is exact and calculating, demanding swift and immediate retribution when boundaries are crossed and laws are broken. It seeks absolute obedience, compliance to the letter of the law, and expects unquestioned submission to its authority. And if a law is broken or its authority challenged, it will seek complete and unmitigated vengeance in payment for a wrong done, period. It wants nothing to do with Love (which may be willing to forgive and forget).
The irony is that both extremes elicit the same negative result in personal character development. Love without enforced discipline results in the Loved One accepting little or no personal responsibility or accountability, free to do what he/she wants, there is a move toward license, unable to exert self-restraint, personal behavior seems to display an ignorance of ethical and moral limits, resulting in a kind of careless lawlessness—having no care or respect for rule and authority of any kind.
Likewise, authoritarian legalism, with its heavy handed application of the Law, has an oppressively cold attitude towards its subject, and provides little room for the internal growth of the person under its power. Demanding absolute conformity and obedience to every rule it decrees, and without question, there is no ability for the Submissive One to grow in individual responsibility, no room for development in the area self-regulation and no allowance for personal ownership of self-determination within appropriate limits and boundaries.
Thus, parents who over emphasize loving their children—at the expense of discipline, failing to allow consequences or to hold their children responsible for their actions—raise children who tend to have little self-control, who tend to avoid personal ownership for the consequences of their actions, and tend to escape accountability to others.
On the other hand, parents who exaggerate discipline and authority over their children at the expense of demonstrating any love and respect to their children, while demanding absolute conformity and obedience from them, raise children that either become submissively dependent and subservient, in other words raise children who become weak and vacuous as individuals. Or, find that their children will violently rebel and/or flee from the clutches of their control the first chance they get.
Tough Love is the healthy balance between the Rule of Law and the Law of Love.
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