We say “Love is all you need.” But somehow, many who find love or fall-in-love, and then enter into a long term relationship based on that love, later discover that they’ve lost it, or have suddenly and surprisingly fallen out of love. What happened?
So, what is love really? Let’s break down what love is in actual practice. Here’s what I have learned over the years.
Love gives respect. All of us feel scorn. We know when we are “treated like dirt.” That’s an extreme. There are many subtle ways in which we can be disrespected. And often spouses, and or good or best-of-friends can be the worst culprits. Rudeness, snappy impatience, showing disgust, cutting remarks, and serious put-downs are sure signs that respect is lacking in a relationship. It is also a sure sign that bitterness is growing in the heart of the one being disrespected. We honor the one we love. To disrespect is to bring dishonor. There are many spouses today that are enduring years of dishonor and disrespect, suffering in silent bitterness.
Love listens. Hearing is not the same thing as listening. Many spouses hear but fail to listen. Listening means actively tuning-in and “getting it.” Getting it means not only understanding the point, but the emotion and the motive behind the point that is being made by the speaker. It is actively listening for, and actually catching, the why, the how and wherefore, as to what the speaker is saying. Thus, at the end of a discussion the listener is not only able to repeat what was said by the speaker, but is also able to reflect its significance and it’s level of importance, to grasp the weight of its meaning and value to the speaker, and fully comprehend its intended purpose or impact upon the listener. Love listens for the heart of the speaker and not just the words.
Love keeps it real and honest. Honesty begins with one’s self. That is, if you cannot be honest even with yourself, it will be next to impossible to be honest with another, even the one you love. It is a false and misconstrued idea to think that if your spouse loves you enough, he or she will be able to automatically know what you desire or want or would like, without you telling him or her. So, first be honest and truthful within yourself. Give heed to that old saying, “know thy Self and to thine own Self be true.” Know what you really like and dislike and then be ready to communicate as much to your spouse. Don’t make your spouse guess and try to “discover” what your personal interests are. Say it: “I don’t like Italian food. I DO like Jazz. I prefer this over that.” Then negotiate from there. Only people who are respectfully honest with each other are in a position to negotiate toward a happy and positive solution to what may appear at first sight to be conflicting likes and dislikes. Love is genuine, authentic and open.
Love is vulnerable and humble. It is our pride that gets us in the most trouble when it comes to relational and marital conflict. Refusing to admit error or to accept being in the wrong is a common act of pride that is at the source of many broken marriages. It’s an attitude that says, “I’m in the right and you’re in the wrong.” It is being too proud to admit that your spouse may have a very good point and may be speaking a very real truth to you—one that perhaps you’d rather not hear because it makes you look bad. Thus, to love someone is also to be humble before the one you love in such a way that you are willing to accept that he/she has strengths and gifts and talents that you yourself may not possess, letting that person shine where you cannot—and realizing that you also may be wrong where he or she may be actually quite right. Love does not stubbornly refuse to admit shortcomings, weaknesses, and faults.
Love gives, as well as receives. There is reciprocity in true love, a give-and-take. Love not only gives, it receives. When we receive a gift from another, we become somewhat indebted to the giver. We are obliged. Love receives and welcomes indebtedness to the giver/provider. Love also gives and is willing to provide from the storehouse of one’s resources. There is mutuality, mutual dependency and a healthy interdependency in love. It’s not just a one way street. If one is doing all the giving or all the receiving, true love is not at work.
And finally, love submits to the Greater LOVE, the Higher Authority, that is, the Greater Power—God. Love works best when two lovers realize and accept the greater power of God over their lives to ensure that they grow to learn and embrace these practices and truths that are to be worked out in human relationships—the practice of humility, peace, patience, kindness, justice, respect, reciprocity and truth.
These practices are not for an elite corps of relational specialists. These are to be learned, taught, and practiced by all. Many of us fail to do so. Though some refuse to submit to these greater truths, most of us want what’s best and hope to benefit from long lasting and fruitful relationships. These principles, truths, values, and practices—call them what you will—are a sure-footed step in the right direction.
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