Home for the Holidays: Blessing or Curse?

The Holidays are here.  That means family gatherings.  Whoopi!  …NOT!!

Okay, not so fun for some.  Why?  Family gatherings can be challenging even painful at times, that’s why.

THE FAMILY: a blessing for many and for many a curse.  We have no choice in the matter.  We neither choose our parents nor our siblings, not mention those strange extended family relations.  We’re stuck.  Good bad or indifferent we get what we get.

If we like our family and have warm, cozy, loving family relations all the way around, there’s no problem.  But who has a perfect family?  No one, that’s who, ALL families have their fair share of dysfunctions. 

How best to deal with them, especially during the Holidays?

The following may be of some help.  These principles may not resolve, solve, or dissolve family conflicts.  Nevertheless, applying them in your own life may be a step in the right direction.

Principle #1: Try changing yourself not others.  The only real person within your power to change is your Self.  It’s a recipe for disaster to force or cajole others to change.  (We’re talking about adult relations here; parents who are still nurturing and raising children have a different set of dynamic principles they need to work with).  Thus, in any family dynamic where you wish so-and-so was different, a better more likeable or pleasant kind of person to be with or live with, begin by asking your Self, “How do I need to change, if I am going to bring a more positive dynamic to this challenging relationship?”

Principle #2: Be penetratingly and painstakingly honest first with your Self.  We are quick to reveal the flaws we see in others.  Quick to boldly point out their blind spots: “You see, you see what I mean!  Do you see how you are?!”  We tell them off, let them have it, harsh penetrating truth that cuts them to the quick about their weaknesses, their faults and failures, their shortcomings.  But we are just as quick to gloss over any truth about ourselves.  Take personal inventory before your family gathering.  Be brutally honest.  Ask yourself: What are you feeling and why?  Why are you angry, upset, or hurt?  Understand your real motives, your purpose and desire for this particular family member that grates on you so much.  Be true to your Self.  You will then be able to be true to others.  In turn they will learn to appreciate your authenticity.  When there is a lack of authenticity, tensions are raised and a huge amount of unnecessary energy is expended when family members have to second-guess and ask themselves “what did you really mean by what you just said.”

Principle#3: Respect yourself as well as the other person by setting appropriate personal boundaries.  Respect means don’t go on the attack.  Don’t speak down, nag, compare, put down, or belittle the other and don’t allow it (as much as is possible) to happen to you.  Don’t say things like, “Why can’t you be more like your brother [or sister, mom, dad, cousin, nephew; you get the idea.]?”  Do not nag: “you shouldn’t…, you ought to…, why don’t you…, when are you going to…?”  These are boundary crossers that go on the attack and show little respect for the person hearing them.  Avoid controlling, manipulating or commanding tones and behavior towards others.  This also is evidence of disrespect for the recipient of your controlling, commanding attitude, a source of much resentment in family dynamics. If you are tempted to do this, remember the first two principles above.

Principle #4: Don’t get defensive; rather, become more teach-able and receptive to honest critique or feedback.  This is helpful for applying the second principle.  Others are always able to see our flaws more clearly and more penetratingly then we ourselves are.  We all have personal blinds pots, blinders that somehow keep us from seeing ourselves the way others see us or experience us.  For example, we can be pouty and petty and never notice until someone—who hopefully really cares for us—kindly and lovingly shows us as much.  If we are to grow out of such childish and unbecoming behavior, we must first be willing to see it and hear it by allowing someone to hold up that reflective mirror that shows us exactly how we’ve been acting.

Principle #5 is so well known and so often said in personal self-help contexts that it has become a cliché.  Nevertheless, its truth is still powerful when conscientiously applied: Accept the things that you cannot change; change the things that are within your power to change, and ask God to give you the wisdom to know the difference.

Finally, turn to God.  Ask for His grace and mercy to give you the wisdom, strength, love, kindness, and compassion that you need to endure, live with, overcome, and deal with the family given you.  They are not perfect.  But neither are you.  So by all means, avoid self-righteous attitudes toward those family members whom you deem less worthy: judge not less you too be judged.  After all, it was Jesus Himself who said, “Let him who is without sin, cast the first stone.”