“But you don’t understand. You have no idea what I’m going through!” Ever hear that or say it yourself?
There are times in which we feel utterly alone with our thoughts, feelings, and experiences, especially if it is grief, deep sorrow, or extreme emotional pain. At such times, while others try to console us, we are thinking or may even say outright, “You have no idea! You haven’t got a clue! You haven’t seen what I’ve seen. You don’t know what I know. You can’t possibly understand!” Then we put up a wall, close down and shut out, thinking no one can relate, that it’s useless to even begin to explain how we feel.
Are we so different, so unique, or so unusual that literally no one could possibly “get us”? Probably not, though at times it may certainly seem that way. When someone says, “I feel your pain,” is this possible? It’s called “empathy,” which is more than mere sympathy. In our adolescence we commonly assume that our very own personal and private experiences, feelings, and viewpoints, are totally and absolutely unique to ourselves, often resulting in that confused mixture of feeling somewhat special in our uniqueness yet lonely and somewhat out of step with others. Beyond adolescence, thank goodness, we soon discover that yes there are others, indeed many, who have had similar thoughts, ideas, experiences, and sentiments as we’ve had. We’re not as strange or unusual as we once thought we were. What a relief!
Part of maturing is realizing that, as members of the human race, we indeed have much in common. We are connected and we are more alike as human beings than appearances would have us think, especially given language and cultural differences. There is nothing new under the sun. There is no pain or heart-ache, grief or sorrow, no test or trial, no hardship or struggle, no challenge or failure that you have experienced or will ever experience in your life that someone else has not already faced or experienced beforehand. This is a veritable truth.
Strange then how we so often greatly fear being considered odd or weird for having certain kinds of thoughts or feelings or ideas that may run counter to mainstream opinion. We so often fear letting people know how we really feel, what we really think about certain issues or beliefs. The risk is too great. The potential negative reaction from others and our possible rejection as a result is too much for us to chance. In other words, it can be downright dangerous to be vulnerable, open, and transparent. So we conform and submit to group-think or peer pressure, call it what you will, or die of embarrassment, if not shame and/or cold rejection from others. However, a few bold ones do take the risk. And when they do, they are quite often delightfully surprised to discover that others were thinking the same thing, having the same feelings, considering the same ideas. “I’m not alone after all! I’m not as strange as I thought I was!” is the relieved feeling.
Of course we like the idea of being one of a kind, unique. I certainly don’t relish the thought of there being another “me” roaming about on the face of this planet. One of me is quite enough, thank you very much. And I’m sure there are many who would heartily agree with that sentiment as well. Nevertheless, we don’t want to be SO unique that absolutely no one can relate to us. To be too different is to become a freak of society. We certainly don’t want that as a badge of honor. We want connection, common ground, common experiences, and shared sentiments.
So, whether we feel like the “odd one out,” or like so many peas in a pod, in truth we are unique AND common. We are of one race, the human race. And so, like it or not, we have more in common with each other than we may be willing to admit. We too easily lose sight of this truth especially when we are fighting over territory, rights and privileges, or control over ways, means, and ends. This is why it is important that we consider how we engage, dialogue, and interact with each other while negotiating our way through our differences and our future as a society/nation. I have the following suggestions for helping us in the process:
(1) Let us create a safe environment for people to share their personal thoughts and feelings without feeling as if they will be ridiculed, condemned, or chastised for it. People have a right to their ideas, feelings, sentiments, beliefs and opinions without feeling as if they will be cast out as inhuman, seen as vermin, or treated as animals for having them.
(2) Let us respect one another by really listening and trying to understand. To listen and to understand does not mean automatic agreement. One could hear and understand and still disagree; thus, we need not be threatened by attempting to really understand our opponent’s point of view. We owe each other a certain amount of honor and respect simply because we are human. Disagreement need not be the cause of a fall-out or rift in a relationship, causing a mini civil war.
(3) Let us boldly own our opinions without limiting our friendships and relationships to only those who agree with us. Let us accept and even welcome the fact that there are other good, intelligent, and respectable people who may see things quite differently than we do and yet may still be an excellent friend and neighbor.
(4) Let us recognize one another’s value, worth, and dignity even in the face of our pluralistic differences. Let us not vilify, demean, or especially dehumanize our opponents, whoever they may be, just because they are not like us.
If “Might makes Right,” then using any means to gain control and seize power is good: such as manipulating, undercutting, oppressing, and demonizing our opponents. But we don’t believe this. In a democracy HOW we proceed and engage in negotiating our aims and desired ends is as is important as the results themselves. Angry, defensive, belligerent and combative posturing is always detrimental to the democratic process. Hate begets hate, and hateful and disrespectful means will only result in hated and disrespected results even if those results are for the good. We honor our unity by respecting our differences. We are stronger when we remember that we are both the same and different, and respect one another accordingly.
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